April Book Recap!

Time to get away from some of the serious happenings of the month, and shift gears back to my New Years Resolution of reading at least 1 book a month. Even with all that has been going on, I still managed to read 2 books in April!

I started with And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini. I've really enjoyed Hosseini's other books The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns so I've been looking forward to reading his latest for quite some time. Unfortunately, I don't feel as though it lived up to his other top sellers. The book is still ok, but it jumps quite a bit from various characters, who are only loosely related, as well as jumping between years. Hosseini had me right away with the initial few chapters, but then sadly we don't see these characters again until the very end. The middle is full of other characters each getting a few chapters describing their lives at the time but they are never enough to fully satisfy what I hoped to learn about those people. All in all, I admit I was a little disappointed, but then again I may have had too high of expectations seeing as how I really enjoyed his other books!

Next I went for a classic, Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. This is one I've heard people rave about and has been on my list of books I'd like to read for quite a while. I'm so glad I finally got around to it as it really was a good book! It does start off kind of intense and fast so it took me a minute to start sorting things out. My only complaint is that before reading it I had always heard of Heathcliff kind of being this ideal romantic so that's what I went in expecting. Having now read the book, in my opinion he is NOT! Yeah he has strong love for one person in the world. But to literally everyone else in the book he is mean, cruel, and vindictive! That was quite surprising to me! I never got on his side. Really I found myself not liking most of the characters as they all seemed rather petty and selfish. But that didn't take away from the story surprisingly! Highly recommend this one to be read!


Books Read in 2014:
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
Wild by Cheryl Strayed
The Fault in Our Stars  by John Green
Burned by Ellen Hopkins
Freedom by Jonathan Franzen
A Grief Observed by CS Lewis
The Monument Men by Robert Edsel
The Nazi Officer's Wife by Edith Beer
Out of Africa and Shadows on the Grass Isak Dinesen
And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

Still walking with those emotions....

It's now been about 5 days since I heard about my pastor. Which means it's been 5 days of roller coaster emotions. And I don't anticipate suddenly getting off that roller coaster and never getting back on again. In fact, I believe this is something that will have an effect on me for a while. Not necessarily in a horribly negative way-just in some way.

Yesterday afternoon was the memorial service. I went into it preparing to ugly cry like no other! Before then I had pretty much been holding back my emotions and not allowing myself to express the true extent of my feelings. So I figured the service would be my time. And I admit, as soon as his wife and 2 kids walked in there were definitely some tears rolling down my face. But I never had a moment of utter breakdown ugly crying. And I think my tears were exclusively sadness yesterday. Sadness that we lost this man who honestly I very much respected. A man who I really looked to for guidance and enjoyed hearing him speak. A man who had laughter in literally every single one of his sermons. A man who did a lot for our church family.

There were a number of people who spoke yesterday. People who knew him when he first became a Christian, people who knew him when he was in college and starting to date the woman who became his wife, people who worked with him at various churches. And something I took from all their words of wisdom, was that he really was a great guy who loved life and loved God. And that none of us may know why he did what he did. One person said that he led with all of his heart and with all of his passion, and that could lead you to a lonely and dark place. Maybe it was being there for so many others without feeling like he could be selfish and ask for help himself. Now that's just pure speculation on my part-but it does kindof make sense. At least to me it does.

The songs were honestly hard at first. Because like I've said before, when the songs are all about praising God and finding strength, it still made me sad that he couldn't do that himself. But what I found was that by the end of the service I was singing the songs for me and not for him. I was singing them to take comfort in the words and what I've felt from them. A couple different people mentioned how our church, which really has been flourishing over the past few years, may be under some form of spiritual attack. Within the last year 3 of the leaders in our church have been battling cancer and now this happens as well. It's like when things start going really well, something or someone wanted to come along and try and knock us down. A prayer for the church is that we won't be beaten back. That we will mourn the loss of our friend, but that we will feel a revival and people coming closer to God in this loss than a separation.

I'm not over it. As I read back over what I've typed it sounds like I've come to terms with what has happened. And while I admit, today is easier, and today I feel more peace; it's not over. An online quiz I took recently (I'm a sucker for online quizzes) had me pick a quote from a number of options. I picked this one by Willa Cather "There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." Now I don't know who Willa Cather is. I'm honestly not sure if Willa is a man or woman; although I'm leaning woman since Willa ends in an a. But it's a quote that seems to resonate with me in a time like this. This whole experience is a lesson. Something that will alter my outlook and who I am from this point on. And while I will continue to process over the next few days, weeks, months; I will try to stand firm in my own strength. I will continue to learn from this situation and all that happens after it.

A walk with my emotions during a difficult time

I can't believe this happened and that I am writing these words.........my pastor committed suicide. 

This past Friday the 11th, he took his life. I was made aware of it the next day. My first reaction was shock, disbelieve, sadness, and then anger. Anger stayed the longest. I typically react to death with a combo of sadness and anger. Last month when there was a loss I felt anger to God. But with this, it was against my pastor. It was his choice. His actions. His decision to leave behind his family, friends, and congregation. 

Sunday was supposed to be a church service of praise for Palm Sunday. Instead it was a service of prayer. As I sat there and I saw how many people filled the church to ultimate capacity, with many people crying, I still felt angry to be honest. I don't like making people feel bad, or hurting others. So to leave that many people hurt and confused is something I just don't understand. 

I've thought about suicide before, probably more than I want to admit. And I get that sometimes there doesn't seem like a reason to live anymore, but when you have that much of a support system around you that's when I get confused. Being an adult means asking for help when you need it sometimes. It means understanding when you need to be vulnerable. I thought he understood that. But I guess not. 

In church we sang a hymn as well as read a Psalm. Both of which basically mention standing strong in God in times of trouble and in times of need. Building yourself up and getting your strength from The Lord. It was great to hear and something the congregation can really take hold of to lift them during this time. But if he believed that too, then why in the hell did he commit suicide?!? Who was he that he felt he couldn't talk to anyone, admit he needed help and sought help from The Lord and the people around him. Instead he opted to take his own life. To give in to the suffering. To leave behind his wife and 2 children. To leave behind literally hundreds if not thousands of the people he has touched in this world. One of the other pastors even said he wished he had reached out and called. Everyone said it was unforeseen and that even last week he was joking and pranking and getting excited for the upcoming sermon series. So what the hell happened?!?!?!? They said he admitted to be a broken individual but we all are. 

As much as it sounds like I do, I am really trying not to judge him. I'm just confused. And don't like to see people in pain. I think eventually I'll give in to the fact that we may never know why he made that choice. But as I write this less than 24 hours after hearing the news, I'm just filled with a crazy array of emotion. He was a great pastor. I really enjoyed his preaching and his messages. I respected the fact that he would get emotional and real and honest during his messages as well. I appreciated the positive change he made in my friends lives. This is going to be something new for the church to overcome.

It's an interesting time of year for it. We are in Holy Week currently. A week of praise and worship and welcoming. It leads up to a great tragedy tho. It leads up to the loss of our savior. The loss of our greatest spiritual teacher. Holy Week has always been a big deal to me. Good Friday is typically one of my favorite services as it is always so full of emotion. But I think this year it will be even moreso emotional. Because now I know what it feels like to lose your spiritual leader. I'm not saying Robert was Jesus by any means whatsoever. I'm only saying that Good Friday was always a day that was emotional but also exciting because I knew what would happen 3 days later. But now I can more closely relate to what Christians felt when they woke up one Saturday and realized that someone they looked up go for spiritual guidance was taken from them. To lose some sense of hope. To question why he didn't save himself. To feel cheated of guidance and direction. To have so many questions that are left unanswered. And I know that this situation is very different from the one that took place 2000ish years ago. But I guarantee this Friday I'll feel more connected to the believers of that day. I'll understand the story from a different point of view.

I'm still trying to figure out my emotions. Still dealing with confusion and sadness and anger. But I refuse to lose my faith this time like I have before. I refuse to feel further from God. I refuse to let myself slip. And I commit myself to not feeling that same way again. To not feel as hopeless. To find my strength. And to overcome and grow.