It's now been about 5 days since I heard about my pastor. Which means it's been 5 days of roller coaster emotions. And I don't anticipate suddenly getting off that roller coaster and never getting back on again. In fact, I believe this is something that will have an effect on me for a while. Not necessarily in a horribly negative way-just in some way.
Yesterday afternoon was the memorial service. I went into it preparing to ugly cry like no other! Before then I had pretty much been holding back my emotions and not allowing myself to express the true extent of my feelings. So I figured the service would be my time. And I admit, as soon as his wife and 2 kids walked in there were definitely some tears rolling down my face. But I never had a moment of utter breakdown ugly crying. And I think my tears were exclusively sadness yesterday. Sadness that we lost this man who honestly I very much respected. A man who I really looked to for guidance and enjoyed hearing him speak. A man who had laughter in literally every single one of his sermons. A man who did a lot for our church family.
There were a number of people who spoke yesterday. People who knew him when he first became a Christian, people who knew him when he was in college and starting to date the woman who became his wife, people who worked with him at various churches. And something I took from all their words of wisdom, was that he really was a great guy who loved life and loved God. And that none of us may know why he did what he did. One person said that he led with all of his heart and with all of his passion, and that could lead you to a lonely and dark place. Maybe it was being there for so many others without feeling like he could be selfish and ask for help himself. Now that's just pure speculation on my part-but it does kindof make sense. At least to me it does.
The songs were honestly hard at first. Because like I've said before, when the songs are all about praising God and finding strength, it still made me sad that he couldn't do that himself. But what I found was that by the end of the service I was singing the songs for me and not for him. I was singing them to take comfort in the words and what I've felt from them. A couple different people mentioned how our church, which really has been flourishing over the past few years, may be under some form of spiritual attack. Within the last year 3 of the leaders in our church have been battling cancer and now this happens as well. It's like when things start going really well, something or someone wanted to come along and try and knock us down. A prayer for the church is that we won't be beaten back. That we will mourn the loss of our friend, but that we will feel a revival and people coming closer to God in this loss than a separation.
I'm not over it. As I read back over what I've typed it sounds like I've come to terms with what has happened. And while I admit, today is easier, and today I feel more peace; it's not over. An online quiz I took recently (I'm a sucker for online quizzes) had me pick a quote from a number of options. I picked this one by Willa Cather "There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." Now I don't know who Willa Cather is. I'm honestly not sure if Willa is a man or woman; although I'm leaning woman since Willa ends in an a. But it's a quote that seems to resonate with me in a time like this. This whole experience is a lesson. Something that will alter my outlook and who I am from this point on. And while I will continue to process over the next few days, weeks, months; I will try to stand firm in my own strength. I will continue to learn from this situation and all that happens after it.
Yesterday afternoon was the memorial service. I went into it preparing to ugly cry like no other! Before then I had pretty much been holding back my emotions and not allowing myself to express the true extent of my feelings. So I figured the service would be my time. And I admit, as soon as his wife and 2 kids walked in there were definitely some tears rolling down my face. But I never had a moment of utter breakdown ugly crying. And I think my tears were exclusively sadness yesterday. Sadness that we lost this man who honestly I very much respected. A man who I really looked to for guidance and enjoyed hearing him speak. A man who had laughter in literally every single one of his sermons. A man who did a lot for our church family.
There were a number of people who spoke yesterday. People who knew him when he first became a Christian, people who knew him when he was in college and starting to date the woman who became his wife, people who worked with him at various churches. And something I took from all their words of wisdom, was that he really was a great guy who loved life and loved God. And that none of us may know why he did what he did. One person said that he led with all of his heart and with all of his passion, and that could lead you to a lonely and dark place. Maybe it was being there for so many others without feeling like he could be selfish and ask for help himself. Now that's just pure speculation on my part-but it does kindof make sense. At least to me it does.
The songs were honestly hard at first. Because like I've said before, when the songs are all about praising God and finding strength, it still made me sad that he couldn't do that himself. But what I found was that by the end of the service I was singing the songs for me and not for him. I was singing them to take comfort in the words and what I've felt from them. A couple different people mentioned how our church, which really has been flourishing over the past few years, may be under some form of spiritual attack. Within the last year 3 of the leaders in our church have been battling cancer and now this happens as well. It's like when things start going really well, something or someone wanted to come along and try and knock us down. A prayer for the church is that we won't be beaten back. That we will mourn the loss of our friend, but that we will feel a revival and people coming closer to God in this loss than a separation.
I'm not over it. As I read back over what I've typed it sounds like I've come to terms with what has happened. And while I admit, today is easier, and today I feel more peace; it's not over. An online quiz I took recently (I'm a sucker for online quizzes) had me pick a quote from a number of options. I picked this one by Willa Cather "There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." Now I don't know who Willa Cather is. I'm honestly not sure if Willa is a man or woman; although I'm leaning woman since Willa ends in an a. But it's a quote that seems to resonate with me in a time like this. This whole experience is a lesson. Something that will alter my outlook and who I am from this point on. And while I will continue to process over the next few days, weeks, months; I will try to stand firm in my own strength. I will continue to learn from this situation and all that happens after it.
No comments:
Post a Comment