I can't believe this happened and that I am writing these words.........my pastor committed suicide.
This past Friday the 11th, he took his life. I was made aware of it the next day. My first reaction was shock, disbelieve, sadness, and then anger. Anger stayed the longest. I typically react to death with a combo of sadness and anger. Last month when there was a loss I felt anger to God. But with this, it was against my pastor. It was his choice. His actions. His decision to leave behind his family, friends, and congregation.
Sunday was supposed to be a church service of praise for Palm Sunday. Instead it was a service of prayer. As I sat there and I saw how many people filled the church to ultimate capacity, with many people crying, I still felt angry to be honest. I don't like making people feel bad, or hurting others. So to leave that many people hurt and confused is something I just don't understand.
I've thought about suicide before, probably more than I want to admit. And I get that sometimes there doesn't seem like a reason to live anymore, but when you have that much of a support system around you that's when I get confused. Being an adult means asking for help when you need it sometimes. It means understanding when you need to be vulnerable. I thought he understood that. But I guess not.
In church we sang a hymn as well as read a Psalm. Both of which basically mention standing strong in God in times of trouble and in times of need. Building yourself up and getting your strength from The Lord. It was great to hear and something the congregation can really take hold of to lift them during this time. But if he believed that too, then why in the hell did he commit suicide?!? Who was he that he felt he couldn't talk to anyone, admit he needed help and sought help from The Lord and the people around him. Instead he opted to take his own life. To give in to the suffering. To leave behind his wife and 2 children. To leave behind literally hundreds if not thousands of the people he has touched in this world. One of the other pastors even said he wished he had reached out and called. Everyone said it was unforeseen and that even last week he was joking and pranking and getting excited for the upcoming sermon series. So what the hell happened?!?!?!? They said he admitted to be a broken individual but we all are.
As much as it sounds like I do, I am really trying not to judge him. I'm just confused. And don't like to see people in pain. I think eventually I'll give in to the fact that we may never know why he made that choice. But as I write this less than 24 hours after hearing the news, I'm just filled with a crazy array of emotion. He was a great pastor. I really enjoyed his preaching and his messages. I respected the fact that he would get emotional and real and honest during his messages as well. I appreciated the positive change he made in my friends lives. This is going to be something new for the church to overcome.
It's an interesting time of year for it. We are in Holy Week currently. A week of praise and worship and welcoming. It leads up to a great tragedy tho. It leads up to the loss of our savior. The loss of our greatest spiritual teacher. Holy Week has always been a big deal to me. Good Friday is typically one of my favorite services as it is always so full of emotion. But I think this year it will be even moreso emotional. Because now I know what it feels like to lose your spiritual leader. I'm not saying Robert was Jesus by any means whatsoever. I'm only saying that Good Friday was always a day that was emotional but also exciting because I knew what would happen 3 days later. But now I can more closely relate to what Christians felt when they woke up one Saturday and realized that someone they looked up go for spiritual guidance was taken from them. To lose some sense of hope. To question why he didn't save himself. To feel cheated of guidance and direction. To have so many questions that are left unanswered. And I know that this situation is very different from the one that took place 2000ish years ago. But I guarantee this Friday I'll feel more connected to the believers of that day. I'll understand the story from a different point of view.
I'm still trying to figure out my emotions. Still dealing with confusion and sadness and anger. But I refuse to lose my faith this time like I have before. I refuse to feel further from God. I refuse to let myself slip. And I commit myself to not feeling that same way again. To not feel as hopeless. To find my strength. And to overcome and grow.
This past Friday the 11th, he took his life. I was made aware of it the next day. My first reaction was shock, disbelieve, sadness, and then anger. Anger stayed the longest. I typically react to death with a combo of sadness and anger. Last month when there was a loss I felt anger to God. But with this, it was against my pastor. It was his choice. His actions. His decision to leave behind his family, friends, and congregation.
Sunday was supposed to be a church service of praise for Palm Sunday. Instead it was a service of prayer. As I sat there and I saw how many people filled the church to ultimate capacity, with many people crying, I still felt angry to be honest. I don't like making people feel bad, or hurting others. So to leave that many people hurt and confused is something I just don't understand.
I've thought about suicide before, probably more than I want to admit. And I get that sometimes there doesn't seem like a reason to live anymore, but when you have that much of a support system around you that's when I get confused. Being an adult means asking for help when you need it sometimes. It means understanding when you need to be vulnerable. I thought he understood that. But I guess not.
In church we sang a hymn as well as read a Psalm. Both of which basically mention standing strong in God in times of trouble and in times of need. Building yourself up and getting your strength from The Lord. It was great to hear and something the congregation can really take hold of to lift them during this time. But if he believed that too, then why in the hell did he commit suicide?!? Who was he that he felt he couldn't talk to anyone, admit he needed help and sought help from The Lord and the people around him. Instead he opted to take his own life. To give in to the suffering. To leave behind his wife and 2 children. To leave behind literally hundreds if not thousands of the people he has touched in this world. One of the other pastors even said he wished he had reached out and called. Everyone said it was unforeseen and that even last week he was joking and pranking and getting excited for the upcoming sermon series. So what the hell happened?!?!?!? They said he admitted to be a broken individual but we all are.
As much as it sounds like I do, I am really trying not to judge him. I'm just confused. And don't like to see people in pain. I think eventually I'll give in to the fact that we may never know why he made that choice. But as I write this less than 24 hours after hearing the news, I'm just filled with a crazy array of emotion. He was a great pastor. I really enjoyed his preaching and his messages. I respected the fact that he would get emotional and real and honest during his messages as well. I appreciated the positive change he made in my friends lives. This is going to be something new for the church to overcome.
It's an interesting time of year for it. We are in Holy Week currently. A week of praise and worship and welcoming. It leads up to a great tragedy tho. It leads up to the loss of our savior. The loss of our greatest spiritual teacher. Holy Week has always been a big deal to me. Good Friday is typically one of my favorite services as it is always so full of emotion. But I think this year it will be even moreso emotional. Because now I know what it feels like to lose your spiritual leader. I'm not saying Robert was Jesus by any means whatsoever. I'm only saying that Good Friday was always a day that was emotional but also exciting because I knew what would happen 3 days later. But now I can more closely relate to what Christians felt when they woke up one Saturday and realized that someone they looked up go for spiritual guidance was taken from them. To lose some sense of hope. To question why he didn't save himself. To feel cheated of guidance and direction. To have so many questions that are left unanswered. And I know that this situation is very different from the one that took place 2000ish years ago. But I guarantee this Friday I'll feel more connected to the believers of that day. I'll understand the story from a different point of view.
I'm still trying to figure out my emotions. Still dealing with confusion and sadness and anger. But I refuse to lose my faith this time like I have before. I refuse to feel further from God. I refuse to let myself slip. And I commit myself to not feeling that same way again. To not feel as hopeless. To find my strength. And to overcome and grow.
This is powerful, raw, and exactly how others in our church are feeling. I had those same ranges of emotions, and still am, frankly. I thought the same things of, "Who the hell are you that you can't seek help, but you would encourage others to do just that?! Why are you so special to get to commit this horrible act and leave behind a family, first and foremost, and also so many people who would stand by you if you were struggling." But then, I swing back to feeling sorry that he felt that even though he had such support systems, that he couldn't ask for help. Maybe it was the pressure of being the spiritual leader or having too many stresses going on in his life and he felt he couldn't deal with them all. Maybe he did something that he was ashamed of and couldn't live with himself anymore and felt this was his only option. It is so sad that he felt his only out was suicide. And I completely agree, as an adult, we are responsible for asking for help-whether it be for someone else or ourselves. Why he didn't feel like he could reach out to someone, we probably won't know. Maybe only his wife knows if he shared things with her, but I am definitely mad AT him and sad FOR him. This weekend was tiring for me as well. My thought kept going back to "why?!". This doesn't make any sense. I kept having to come back to the fact that he was human like anyone else. He had his own strength and weaknesses, and while I think what he did is inexcusable, I also know that God is in control. God will use this horrible thing to cause us to grow. I too will not lose faith because of one person's selfishness, struggle, or hardship. I am reminded that God is the only one that won't disappoint.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are holding fast to what you believe. And as always, never hesitate to reach out if you feel yourself needing support or just need a listening ear. We all have our struggles, and we all need to work out our own faith. But know, you can always come to me, no judgement, and say what you need to say, friend! :)